The "To Keep Up" Wiki

A collection of Puns and Other Humor

The meaning of opaque is unclear.
I wasn't going to get a brain transplant but then I changed my mind.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
A man tried to assault me with milk, cream and butter. How dairy!
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
If there was someone selling marijuana in our neighborhood, weed know about it.
It's a lengthy article about ancient Japanese sword fighters but I can Sumurais it for you.
It's not that the man couldn't juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
So what if I don't know the meaning of the word 'apocalypse'? It's not the end of the world.
Police were called to the daycare center. A 3-year old was resisting a rest.
The other day I held the door open for a clown. I thought it was a nice jester.
Need an ark to save two of every animal? I Noah guy.
Alternative facts are aversion of the truth.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Did you know they won't be making yardsticks any longer?
I used to be allergic to soap but I'm clean now.
The patron saint of poverty is St. Nickeless.
What did the man say when the bridge fell on him? The suspension is killing me.
Do you have weight loss mantras? Fat chants!
My tailor is happy to make a new pair of pants for me. Or sew it seams.
What is a thesaurus's favorite dessert? Synonym buns.
A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
There was a big paddle sale at the boat store. It was quite an oar deal.
How do they figure out the price of hammers? Per pound.

Thoughts

Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.
Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.
Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.
I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.
My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.
Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.
Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”
Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it’s a whole sentence.
Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.
I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

This English Language

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, dog trainers debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? (Or bald women for that matter?).
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says, “It's only a game” when their team is winning.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that fifth person ENJOYS it?

Getting Old

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
To me, “drink responsibly” means don't spill it.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. I'm negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.
If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
I run like the winded.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don't use words like “east.”
Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.“

Table of Contents

A collection of Puns and Other Humor

Thoughts

This English Language

Getting Old